I “dear-diaried” until I started dating my ex, “Mup”. I found it a safe way to get thoughts twirling in my head out while still keeping them a secret. An upload of information that allowed me to sleep and yet not truly reveal what was going on. Today, I return to journalling. After over 10 years of safety, happiness, love and pride I shall try a modern day diary.
The history of our relationship shall come in a later blog. Today, today is all about, well, today! Until today, we had not seen each other for a month. We had not seen each other since we survived 9 days in Punta Cana together at our most favourite resort which we frequent multiple times a year. 2 hours into our 9-day vacation Mup turned to me and said, “I want a separation”. If you’ve ever wondered how to make your vacation feel like it lasts longer than it actually is, have your partner break up with you on the first night.
Today was the first time we were both at the house together. She has been staying with her parents. I’ve been staying at the house during the week and our vacation property two hours north on the weekends. A pathetic fallacy April ice storm forced us together for a few hours while roads were too treacherous to traverse.
Mup is my partner, my lover, and most importantly my best friend. Or, she was. I have a hard time with past tense. Mup was my partner, my lover and my best friend. Today we ended our relationship. She had an affair, which surprisingly is not the reason for our demise. She wants to continue having affairs, regardless if the people she is dating are in relationships themselves. She wants to feel the 13-year-old butterflies again. She wants to experience more relationships than a singular one with me. I am Mup’s first same-sex partner and she is experiencing #FOMO. I believe the affair is still going on and the person she is having the affair with has not told her wife or children. I know the wife’s name (oh the wonders of social media), but I don’t think a revenge tell is going to make me feel any better, so who is it benefiting? I’m sure all will be revealed eventually. To watch Mup awkwardly interact with any of her nieces and nephews is just uncomfortable, well her married girlfriend has TWO teens who will be coming with her. That in and of itself is a bit of revenge right there I suppose. This new girlfriend also goes to bed late (twitter posts, not a stocker, just an observation) and should she snore…brilliant! Go get ’em Mup!
Our immediate friend circle and my family is shocked to the core. Nobody saw this coming: no fighting, no stress, no signs. My parents cry every day. Our closest friends held out hope that this was a short-term identity crisis. When Mup and I spoke a couple of weeks ago I tried comparing our life, past-present-future, to her desire to see other people and she said her desire for freedom was stronger. I suggested we go on the waitlist in our area for counselling together, she said no.
At least 10 times a day I pick up my phone to text her and tell her some mundane thing that just happened to me and then I stop myself. I can not process how two people in the same relationship can have entirely different experiences and levels of happiness. I am…was so proud of my partner, our home, the recently purchased vacation property, the life we’ve built together, our future plans. There are no words to describe how gutted and empty I am.
Without warning signs of any kind, this is not a typical separation. I’ve not only lost the love of my life, but my identity, the loss of my future and the hurtful memories of the past. She has said that she was unhappy or unsettled for the last 8 years (bullshit!), and on and on and on about how horrible her life was with me. I believe that convincing herself our relationship was so horrible enables her to leave in such a cruel, cold and uncaring manner.
I ran a three-day conference last week and one of the discussions my group got into was how when you are struggling and looking for guidance you are prone to seek out the people who will validate what you are feeling instead of helping to guide you on your personal journey. I think Mup has done just that. It’s too bad because maybe if she had been able to communicate the shift in her feelings or mindset this whole mess may not have been avoided, but it might have gone down with a lot more kindness and consideration for me/us.
I feel so alone, so forgotten, and such a failure for not having the opportunity to rebuild the relationship I didn’t know was ailing. Even if I wasn’t a perfect partner, Mup could have left with more kindness and compassion and with some regard to what I am feeling.
I found these 7 steps by Vikki Stark and they really help me to confirm the things I am feeling right now are normal and not irrational.
Stark has seven recovery steps (note, I changed the gender):
- recognize that the chaos won’t last forever
- accept that your marriage is over
- accept that your wife has changed irrevocably
- understand that she needs to justify her actions by lying, attacking you
- give up any expectation of receiving the apology you deserve
- focus not on the past but on the future
- celebrate life as a single person
As I find myself sliding into dark holes of sadness, grief, shock and disbelief I am reminded by friends and family that this new person is not somebody I want in my life. This person is not the person I’ve cherished for over 10 years. I deserve to be treated with love, compassion and kindness. This new person who lies, cheats and deceives – I don’t want them either.
I told Mup yesterday that I deserved to be treated better. She agreed. I now need to heed my own advice and show myself love, compassion and respect. Beating myself up is going to get me nowhere and stunt the healing process.
And so, I start another day…